WARNING: Contrary to my usual tendency, I am writing a much longer newsletter this month. I STRONGLY urge you to read the whole thing. Recently I have received numerous requests for this topic and so I am giving you the full meal deal this month. Be open to what you read here… it will make a huge difference in your communication… or you could rationalize away the whole thing and continue with the way you do things now; it’s your call really. Go ahead, take a risk, read the whole thing, and let me know your thoughts. It’s not likely I’ll change my mind and I really want to know how you have used this stuff.
COMMUNICATING WITH THE OPPOSITE GENDER
Things to remember so that Mike stays out of trouble:
1. We are talking about style and energy, NOT gender!
2. All men have both masculine and feminine energy in the way they communicate.
a. Men typically exercise the type of energy they use based primarily on what was reinforced when they were younger or what was most dominantly modeled in their life.
b. In MOST cases men are conditioned by the culture to respond in stereotypically masculine ways regardless of what self-help books attempt to convince them to do.
3. All women have both masculine and feminine energy in the way they communicate.
a. Women typically exercise the type of communication energy they use based on what was most enforced as a child.
b. In MOST cases women are conditioned by the culture to respond in conflict with their own tendencies, thus creating conflict for them. It is not necessary for women to be more like men. That is a great mistake that is often made.
Stick with me. It will make more sense in a minute
REMEMBER, IT’S NOT ABOUT GENDER; IT’S ABOUT ENERGY.
WOMEN are motivated by the need to be respected and heard.
It is more important for women to be heard than it is for them to win. For a woman, winning is most often about getting heard, not who is right. It is more important that she is respected than that she conquers or defeats her opponent. Women define respect very differently than men do.
MEN are motivated by conquest and competition.
Men believe success is tied to winning and conquering; thus, they communicate as if it is a competition. Men interpret winning as being the one who feels the most powerful at the end of the interaction or the one who gets the most of what he wants. That can be as simple as the need to be right. It is more important to a man that he wins than that he is heard. Respect has to do with power, not listening or understanding.
Can you see a conflict building between most men and women?
So let’s all accept two fundamental concepts:
1. Women talk more than men (a lot more).
Men:
Give women the opportunity to talk as much as is necessary to feel heard and respected. Do this by actually being interested and asking questions.The biggest complaint women have about men is “They don’t listen and they don’t communicate with me. When they do communicate it is generally a lecture.” So guys, SHUT UP (I mean this in a loving way)! She most often doesn’t need the kind of all knowing help you believe you possess, so let go of the fantasy that you can always make it better in YOUR way. You can’t…just face it. Ask her what she most needs from you and break your back bending over backwards to do exactly that. Women will always find a place where they are respected and heard. This is why so many more women than men go to “rent a friend” (also known as a therapist). It is not because she is weak and needs the help more than you. Trust this, you could use a tune-up yourself sometimes. One of the worst things to say to a person communicating from feminine energy is “How many times do we have to talk about this?” or its cousin, any noise, grunt or groan that indicates a lack of interest. She at least needs to know you have a pulse. WARNING: If you try this stuff she is likely to pass out or be suspicious; just stick with it and be sincere.
Women:
Be aware that he has good intentions but often sees your communication as a cry for help in fixing a problem. DO NOT STOP COMMUNICATING. Assume positive intent and let him know what you need from him from the beginning. This will help him feel like he can win and for a guy that is critical! Guys are also generally under the impression that they already know what you need. This is part of their delusion. Do not grow weary in helping him understand what it takes for him to win with you. It is your job to help him win. Whenever possible, help his ego out (genuinely). Since most men are not used to this they will think you are taking some type of substance. Just stick with it. Boss or significant other – it will work with both.
2. Men have big egos (big ones).
Women:
Give men every opportunity to win… be very careful with this statement. I did not say let him get away with things that are disrespectful. Giving men the opportunity to win and enjoy a stable ego is about helping him understand what it takes to win WITH YOU. The biggest complaint men have about women is “It doesn’t matter what I do; it is NEVER good enough.” So ladies, GET OFF HIS BACK ( I mean that in a loving way)! He needs to know when he does a good job and you need to find ways to help that process along. Listen up, S P E L L it out for him. He cannot read your mind nor should you expect him to. He will feel set up and like he is failing a test if he doesn’t specifically understand what he needs to do. Telling him “You should just know that” does not motivate him. It makes him shut down and hide… from YOU. Men will always find a place they can win…always. Trust me, the argument is not about taking out the trash; it is ALWAYS about feeling like he is powerful. Most men want to feel appreciated for what they DO. This is in stark contrast from women who generally want to be respected for who they are.Try this with him: “Thank you, I really appreciate you for DOING that.” One of the worst things you can say to a man is “I can’t believe you did that … what were you thinking?” Repeatedly letting him know how he failed is not helpful. The next worst thing is your friends knowing more about what works with you than he does.
Men:
Be aware that she is not actually attempting to reduce you to insignificance. Her natural desire to be respected and heard is often manifested in repeated requests to have the trash removed. It is never about the trash. It is important that you understand this about you… you are likely to shut down and get quiet when faced with a challenge you cannot win. Contrary to your programming, this will only make things worse, UNLESS you are angry, at which time be quiet. Know this, when she tells you what SHE needs this is not some attempt to reduce you or control you, so take it easy there control boy. It is usually an attempt to feel respected and heard. She knows what she wants most of the time so ask. SHE IS NOT KIDDING AND SHE IS NOT LESS INTELLIGENT THAN YOU! So listen up; she really means it when she says what works for her.
Even if you don’t buy into all of this, the next time you find yourself in a conflict with the opposite sex, just try a couple of the techniques I’ve mentioned here. You just may find there really isn’t a conflict there at all.
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