Hi everybody, this is Mike Staver and this is Mondays with Mike, a weekly video series where I answer questions from people just like you. Here’s this week’s question:
My wife is a morning person. She is always happy, chipper, and chatty in the morning. I’m neither happy, chipper, nor chatty in the morning. She occasionally takes it personally like I’m grouchy or mad at her. I do not like mornings. I do not believe in mornings. I do not believe mornings should be legal. She does! She thinks mornings are beautiful and a time to celebrate, talk, chat, and laugh. I am not generally homicidal. Recently, due to this chronic chipperness, I am starting to wonder about my impulses.
How do I help her understand this without hurting her feelings or upsetting her?
Well, I gotta tell you, I’m not going to be able to answer this question… I’m going to answer it! But I’m not going to do a good job because I am you. I don’t like mornings, I don’t believe in mornings, I think mornings are illegal. In fact this morning I had to get up at 3:30 to catch a flight, and if I were manifesting my true mood right now to you I’d say unkind things about your parents. So I just need you to know that I feel ya.
But I think you gotta set some rules. Now you didn’t say you’re a night person, but from the sound of your letter, I’m pretty sure you’re a noon person. You know, you’ve got about an hour of happy in your day.
So, I’d just sit down and talk to your wife and say “Look, baby, I love you, I adore you. I love it that you’re chipper and happy, I don’t want you to be a grouchy cookie monster like me. But to tell you the truth I’m not that person so you be happy and chipper, but don’t expect me to be happy and chipper.” Relationships get in trouble when I impose my expectations on you, or you impose your expectations on me.
Now if you’re being a jerk, if you’re being mean to her, then stop it. That’s not right. But if you just need kind of a quiet zone, just say “I just need a minute” or an hour or whatever you need.
And if you’re not in a relationship where you can do that, that’s more about the relationship than anything else, in my opinion. In my case, I’m not a morning person, I said straight out I’m not. And she asked me “Do you think I’m being difficult or obnoxious in the morning?” No. I don’t. But I don’t expect you to expect me to be that way, because I will never be that way. No matter what therapy, medication… nothing.
Alright! Hope that was helpful. Have a conversation, set a little safe zone, be your grouchy self. I’ll be there with you, in spirit.
I’m Mike Staver, this is Mondays with Mike. Send me a question using the form below! See you next week.